My Mental Health Struggles

I have struggled with mental health issues since I was a child. Now at eighteen years old, with the help of my family, friends, and doctors i have a different view on things then i did when i was younger.  My problems started when I was in middle school. I was bullied by two girls in my 8th grade math class. I was struggling in this class and I these girls noticed and took advantage. They started by whispering about me to each other. Then they would pass notes to each other talking about me. After class they would leave them on my desk to make sure I saw them. They said things like, "She's so fat and ugly!" or "She's the stupidest person I've ever met." This constant bullying made me think there was something wrong with me. I believed that i was fat, ugly and stupid. I started to not eat for days at a time. Then I would binge for days at a time. Whenever I would eat, I would cut myself as punishment and because I had so much hatred for myself. People started to notice when I wouldn't eat. After the whole year of this crazy cycle I eventually stopped. I ate normally and stopped cutting myself.

High school started and I was happy to get out of the horrible math class with the bullies. During my high school years I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I was diagnosed with depression, an eating disorder, self harm, suicidal ideation, and a mood disorder. My memory of these hospital trips is very minimal. i can't remember them. All I remember is faking my way out of the hospitals. Pretending to feel better and be happy so that I could leave. I became an excellent liar and great at deceiving the people around me. I tried to kill myself four times. One of them was very, very serious. I was in my car and I took a bottle of pills. When I was found I was having continuous seizures. Once the ambulance got there I was dead. They used the shock panels to try to save me and at first I wasn't responding. The second time my heart started to beat again. I was in a coma for a month. They said it's a miracle I'm alive today. While I was in the coma I had over thirty blood transfusions, a feeding tube, and a breathing tube. I also developed compression syndrome in my left lower leg. To diffuse the pressure they had to cut into my leg on both sides. They cut into the nerves and removed some muscle in order to save my leg. Now that I'm out of the hospital I go to see so many doctors. I get physical therapy three times a week, go to therapy twice a week, and get ECT once a week. ECT is electroconvulsive therapy. This is to help with my mood disorder and constant thoughts of suicide. After all of these treatments and ECT i am feeling so much better. I am lucky to be alive and in such good condition, walking, breathing, and living life.

I have so much family supporting me and I don't know what I would do without them.  I know now that life is fragile and my life is important. If you are struggling with any mental health issues just know that you are so important. If you feel alone. Know that you are NEVER alone and if you need someone to talk to I'm always here. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal call 9-1-1 immediately. Your life is important and you will never get to see life get better if you aren't a part of it. Stay strong!

-Emma